


Sometimes It's Hard

by pieceofmysanversharto



Series: Jukebox [4]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Song fic, sanvers jukebox
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 20:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10601616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pieceofmysanversharto/pseuds/pieceofmysanversharto
Summary: Maggie feels like she doesn't deserve all the good things in her life, including Alex, so she cheats on her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [prompt from tumblr anon: So I had this idea for a Sanvers prompt that I kinda hate, but also really wanna read. Slightly inspired by Maggie's past with Emily; Maggie (sometime in the future) feels like she doesn't deserve Alex anymore and cheats on her so that Alex will break up with her. Alex understands what Maggie is doing and refuse to let her go and instead tells her all the reason why she loves her.]
> 
> Based on Sometimes It's Hard by Jamie Lawson
> 
> Find the Sanvers Jukebox [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/pieceofmysanversharto/playlist/1MkiWEzTRSGIUiNMaXjLvg)

Maggie has a pattern. A pattern of keeping things to herself. So when she starts going back to that dark place - the place in her head where she doesn’t believe in herself, doesn’t believe she deserves to be happy, doesn’t believe that she deserves Alex - she doesn’t tell Alex. She doesn’t tell anyone. She puts on a facade that everything is fine. She pretends that everything is okay, when she knows inside it isn’t. 

She lets these thoughts fester in her mind. She pretends that they will go away on their own, even though she knows they won’t. She knows how this goes. She’s gone through it before. It’s why her relationships always fail. Every time. These thoughts start taking over, she believes that she doesn’t deserve all the good things happening to her. So she ends up sabotaging it. Sometimes it’s through becoming obsessed with work. Sometimes it’s through becoming distant and detached. With Emily it was through cheating. 

Maggie and Alex have been together almost a year when the darkness returns. Alex is also obsessed with work, so there are periods of time where they won’t see each other for a week, maybe more, and their relationship always survives that. It was one of the things Maggie loved most about Alex when they first got together. Alex is also guilty of becoming distant and detached sometimes. It comes with her job, with having to protect her sister. Sometimes she has to fly under the radar for a little while. Their relationship always survives that too. 

So without realizing what she was doing, Maggie was trying to find another way to sabotage their relationship.

As far as Alex knew, everything between them was great. She had noticed that Maggie was feeling a little off lately, but she went through periods like that too, and figured Maggie would talk to her if she needed to. 

Alex was going to be at work late for an interrogation, and then she was going to Kara’s for sister night, so Maggie was on her own. She ended up at what used to be her favourite bar, until she found the alien bar. She was at a small gay bar, hidden away downtown. She’d had admittedly too much to drink, but she still sat there nursing her beer. She was tired of feeling numb. Tired of feeling like she didn’t matter. Tired of feeling like nothing mattered. So when a cute girl sat next to her and started flirting with her, she didn’t stop and say she had a girlfriend. She didn’t stop her when she leaned in for a kiss. She didn’t stop her when she took her hand and led her out the door. She didn’t stop her when she unbuttoned her shirt. She didn’t stop her when her hands wandered her bare skin. She didn’t stop her when a wave of pure pleasure swept over her body. 

They laid in her bed, breathing heavy, bodies sweaty, and without saying a word, Maggie threw her clothes back on and rushed out the door. 

She walked home, even though it was far, even though it was the middle of the night, with tears streaming down her face. She didn’t know how she could face Alex. She didn’t want to go through this heartbreak. But she felt like she didn’t deserve to be happy either. She wanted to go back to feeling numb. She didn’t want to talk about what she was going through. But she knew she had to. She’d done a stupid thing, and it was going to ruin her life, again. 

She walked through the door, hoping that Alex would have been in bed already, but Alex was on the couch, phone in hand, worry spread across her face. 

“Maggie! I’ve been so worried. I got home and you weren’t here, and you haven’t been answering your phone, and-”

Maggie was staring blankly at her, tears slowly falling down her face. 

“Maggie? Are- are you ok?”

“I’m sorry, Alex! I’m so, so sorry….”

Maggie collapsed against the door, head in her hands. 

“Maggie- what are you talking about? What happened babygirl?”

Alex ran over to her, and placed her hand on Maggie’s cheek. Maggie pushed her hand away. 

“Maggie, please Maggie. Talk to me. You know you can talk to me about anything. Whatever’s going on we can fix it.”

“No, Alex. I did- I did a stupid thing. I’ve ruined everything. I don’t know why I keep ruining everything….”

“Hey, hey, Maggie, please, just talk to me. Tell me what happened. I can’t help unless I know what happened.”

“You’re not going to want to help… You’re never going to want to talk to me again…”

“You don’t know that.”

Maggie still didn’t speak up, but she didn’t fight Alex when she picked her up and carried her to the couch. 

Alex let Maggie curl into the corner of the couch, but kept a hand on one of her feet, gently brushing her thumb across her ankle. 

“I was so stupid… I don’t know why I did it Alex… I just don’t know…”

“Did what Maggie? Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I- I went home with a girl who was flirting with me at the bar…. And I slept with her. But I didn’t enjoy it, Alex! I didn’t want to do it! I don’t want to be with anyone but you… I want to happy with you… but I’ve ruined everything and I don’t know why!”

Maggie was expecting yelling. She was expecting hurt and anger and to be thrown out again, just like everyone she has ever loved has done to her. But Alex didn’t do any of that. Instead, she pulled Maggie into a hug. She gently rubbed Maggie’s back. She ran her hands through Maggie’s hair. She let Maggie break down into sobs again. 

“Shhh, it’s ok babygirl. Let it out. You’re ok.”

When the tears and hyperventilating stopped, Maggie finally spoke. 

“Why are- how are- why haven’t you kicked me out yet…?”

“I’m not kicking you out Maggie.”

“But, but I cheated on you. And I’m a horrible person. And why would you want to do anything other than never see me again?”

“Because I love you Maggie.”

She pulled away from Maggie so she could look at her, but made sure to keep her hands intertwined with Maggie’s.

“I’m not going to let go of the best thing that’s ever happened to me because you made a mistake. We all make mistakes Maggie. But the fact that you came home and told me? That makes me believe that you love me too.”

“I do, Alex. I love you so much. But-”

“Stop with the buts! Just let me talk for a minute, ok?”

Maggie nodded gently.

“I love you Maggie Sawyer. And you went home with another woman tonight. And yes, that hurts. A lot. But it was mistake. You said so yourself.” Alex paused and saw the hurt in Maggie’s eyes. Not just the hurt from tonight, but the pain that’s been building in the past weeks. 

“I’ve noticed that you’ve been struggling with something over the past little while, but I thought you would come to me if you needed help. But that’s not what you do is it? You don’t like to talk about you. You like to keep things to yourself. Right?”

Maggie nodded again. 

“So you made a mistake. Now we talk about it. We’re going to figure this out. Because I haven’t stopped loving you.”

“I don’t deserve you Alex….”

“You do Maggie. You deserve the whole damn world.”

“I don’t….”

“Maggie. Please, listen to me. I love you. I love waking up next to you every morning. I love making you that god awful double toasted bagel every morning. I love getting to work with you because that means I get to see you more throughout the day. I love watching you when you don’t know I’m looking because you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I love seeing you smile. I love making you smile. I love that you make me happy. I love every single thing about you, even the parts that make mistakes.”

“I don’t deserve any of that Alex… I’ve just been feeling, I don’t know… so lost… lately. I feel so empty, and I keep making these same mistakes, and everything is falling apart.”

Maggie looked up at Alex, still not believing that Alex was staying. That Alex wasn’t making her leave. 

“I know what that feels like Maggie. When Kara first got here I felt like that a lot. It was like there was a cloud of darkness completely surrounding me. And when I was flunking out of college before J’onn found me and recruited me for the DEO. That was a really dark time in my life. And there are things I’ve done… at work, that will haunt me forever. But there’s no easy answer for it babe. We have to work through it. There are things that can help. You know that I go to therapy for work right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well it’s not just for work. I go for me too sometimes. I find it helps me, you know, to talk about things. If you wanted, you could come with me some time, see if it’s maybe something you think might help. Or they might be able to give you medication and see if that helps-”

“No, I don’t need medication. There’s nothing wrong with me, I just need to figure things out.”

“Maggie, taking meds doesn’t mean you’re broken, or that you’re wrong. But there is something wrong here, babe. What happened tonight isn’t normal. But that’s ok. It’s ok to feel like everything's falling apart, as long as you work at figuring it out. We can work things out, together, however you want to.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Alex.”

“You’re not going to. I’m right here. We’re going to figure this out. We’ll get past this. We’ll find our happy ending. I promise. I’m here through all of it, rain or shine.”

“Why is it so hard just to let myself be happy…?”

“Because there have been a lot of people in your life who haven’t let you be happy, Maggie. But that’s all I want. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel loved.”

“I do feel loved Alex. No one has ever cared like this before. No one has ever cared to listen like this.”

“Good. Then everything else we can build from here. We have each other, and maybe things will be hard sometimes, but you have a beautiful heart Maggie, and you are strong, and we are going to get through this, because we have love, and that’s all that matters.”

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me your thoughts! This made me sad to write, and then real life sad things happened, so now I'm v sad. Cheer me up by letting me know what you think! And leave me prompts on tumblr @piece-of-my-harto !


End file.
